Am being a poo blogger again. Locked. Self. In. Apartment. With. B. Haven't seen him in 10 months. Yum.
Out of service until January 4th. Check in then.
Am being a poo blogger again. Locked. Self. In. Apartment. With. B. Haven't seen him in 10 months. Yum.
In honor of Jameson’s departure, I am holding a Winter Spring Cleaning. He was right (damn). I have SO much stuff. Not like I didn’t know that before, but now those boxes sitting in my living room are just starting to irritate me. Because they’re there, and because I have no idea where to put what’s in them. And even if I did, I wouldn’t want to because I would know that there would be purposeful pockets of space everywhere in my apartment that I forced stuff into. Personal things should fit intuitively into a living space; there is a given place for everything, and I just don’t have enough surface in my figurative, intuitive counters and drawers and shelves and closets and corners.
Since high school, a time spent frolicking within circles of rich Daddy’s brats, closeted lesbians (it was an all-girls’ boarding school a step, hop and skip away from Wellesley College; let’s honor the cliché) and minorities on student aid (me), the holiday season always meant that I would be away from someone or something. Counting down the days until Christmas, my roommates and I would try to salvage as much holiday togetherness as we could, before packing our bags and going separate ways for the coming of the New Year. I would fly 1.5 hours south to Maryland and make gingerbread houses with my mom while my step dad wrestled our giant, surprisingly resilient, fake Christmas tree. College was no different, except then I drove 13 hours north from Nashville, in my Ford Escape, speeding through ice patches and stealthily pausing in front of poorly hidden police cars.
We rented a hotel suite where the evening’s catalyst was a hearty game of Cranium, Smirnoff-style. After a few sophisticated rounds of plastic cup booze and test-tube Jello shots, the ladies flitted into the bedroom to deck themselves out, at which point the gentlemen decided that Cranium would be much more fun if a shot was taken every time the board game timer went off. And in this new version, the timer happened to go off just about every 30 seconds. Sigh. Boys and their suspicious ideas.
Somewhere between copious amounts of alcohol and rowdy testosterone bonding, insert:
Debacle #1: Jail Bait Feels Lonely
By the time we ladies were finally ready to reveal our painted faces and New Year’s Eve cleavage, drunken Jail Bait had already worked himself into a tizzy, melodramatically complaining that the only people he knew (me and Girl-of-Amazonian-proportions) had left him alone with strangers and why wasn’t Girl-of-Amazonian-proportions paying attention to him. Complaints led to intense conversations between the latter and a quick kiss and make-up.
Five minutes later, Girl-of-Amazonian-proportions and I were snapping pictures and chatting on the balcony when all of a sudden, a pair of jeans wooshed by us, tumbling into the dark depths of the parking lot below. I turned to look back through the balcony doors when a makeup bag attacked my left eye before jumping to its death with flying pants. My attacked eye started spouting tears, and I ran to B, blubbering, who then reacted with a “I’m going to punch that asshole” only to be held back by sobbing-for-no-reason-it-didn’t-even-hurt-that-much-me. At which point, Jail Bait and Girl-of-Amazo . . . let’s call her GOAP from now on, shall we? Much easier. At which point, Jail Bait and GOAP started yelling at each other, followed by Jail Bait throwing and breaking lamps and denting the door of the bedroom B and I paid for. By now, we sane group members were fighting to get in the bedroom, which had since been locked by Jail Bait, to of course, how courteous of him, protect us from flying furniture. Eventually, someone got in (I think it was Glitterati), ripped the lovebirds a new one, said-latter kissed and made up again, and we frolicked down to the lobby to catch our bus. After all, haste makes wasted on New Year’s Eve.
We took a short but pleasant bus ride to Seacrets, in hopes of getting in line before the inevitable stampede of other drunken patrons. In the summer,Seacrets is a night club notorious for clients floating in a gated ocean, surrounded by scantily-clad waitresses wading out to pamper with cocktails and shallow conversation. As we lazily hopped off the bus and the ladies sauntered our sexy stiletto-selves in front of the men, we heard a loud thump and a metal klang!
“Hey! What do you think you’re doing?” yelled the bus driver, a James Earl Jones look-alike, with the exception of his Jheri curl and too-tight, too short uniform that seems to frequent all bus drivers.
“Wgblkjasdf,” mumbled a drunken, bi-polar Jail Bait. From the look on GOAP’s face, somewhere between stepping off the bus and stepping onto the sidewalk, the couple du jour had managed another fight. Another Krumpf! and we were horrified to find Jail Bait wildly punting our transportation. Potato-sized dents and black shoe marks splashed the lower half of the Oyster Bay Tackle ad that was plastered on the side of the bus, featuring a giant collection of rods, reels and worms. Haha. Fish bait. Jail Bait. Haha. I’m too easily amused.
At this point, I was getting pissed and start walking as fast as my stilettos would take me. I could see the crowd building at Seacrets and there was no way this drunken bastard was going to ruin my first grown-up New Year’s Eve. As the rest of the gang began following me, insert:
Debacle #2: Jail Bait Does Not Pass Go
By the time we made it to the front of Seacrets, GOAP didn’t want to stand in line but wouldn’t stay with Jail Bait either. I lost it and started yelling at her to make up her mind because she and her stupid boyfriend were making us all miserable. But my yells were muffled by distant screams. Not shrieking murderous screams. More like belting, Broadway singer smashed his thumb with a hammer screams. We ran toward the noise to find Jail Bait strewn across the side of the highway loudly lamenting lost love and dignity. The next 10 minutes went something like this:
Black Beavis and Mr. Glitterati try to control Jail Bait, who is melodramatically sobbing and flailing like a very drunk, very angry Gumby. GOAP is now an even bigger, useless mess. Glitterati and I just want to get in the Seacrets line for fear of being stuck out in the cold with no party and no buzz. B is running around claiming that this wouldn’t have happened if I had just let him punch Gumby to begin with. Jameson is consoling GOAP. Black Beavis loses a hundred dollar bill (?). No one even knows where Ugly Betty is. The police arrive. The police calmly talk to Jail Bait and try to persuade him to move away from the street. Jail Bait refuses. The police move toward him. Jail Bait begins whimpering about his dignity again. The police tell Jail Bait that he is being disruptive; they then pull out a piece of paper and pen and try to get Jail Bait to sign. Jail Bait swipes the pen out of one of the policeman’s hands and starts sneering at him. The other policeman is getting tired of this charade and has a “Now listen here, sonny” moment, at which point Jail Bait begins grabbing at the air near the policeman’s face. Policeman #1 pulls out a bottle and maces Jail Bait. Jail Bait wails. Policeman #2 handcuffs Jail Bait. Jail Bait does not pass go. Jail Bait goes straight to jail. Black Beavis is cursing about his lost hundred dollar bill. Ugly Betty is still nowhere to be found.
I don’t know if we were more relieved or stunned to see our dear friend (sarcasm) go, but the shock of it all catapulted us back to the Seacrets line (what else were we supposed to do? Mourn the loss?). At this point, GOAP was still a hot mess and refused to do anything but stand and pout. Glitterati and I weren’t about to console her, and B and Mr. Glitterati certainly weren’t allowed to. Black Beavis disappeared as mysteriously as Ugly Betty had, so Jameson offered to take GOAP back to the hotel. We eagerly accepted the gesture. And then there were four.
Somehow, despite the fact that we were almost at the end of the line, a little flirting and explanation of our crazy night to the bouncer, and we were literally the last two couples to make it into the club. Midnight came and went swimmingly. A few drinks later, my feet were killing me and my eyes could barely stay open. Drama never gets enough credit for inducing exhaustion. B and I left Glitterati and Mr. G to party for us.
Debacle #3: Black Beavis and Ugly Betty make a Porno.
When we reached the hotel, B and I were pumped and happy from the midnight confetti shower and well-deserved buzz. We had almost forgotten the previous five hours. That is until we walked in on Black Beavis and Ugly Betty, freaking ass-naked, in one of the only two beds in the suite, mid-hump. Startled by our entrance (though not quite as startled as one might expect normal people with any ounce of dignity might be; then again, dignity seemed to have a loose definition that night) Ugly Betty scrambled to hide herself under the unfortunately thin white sheets, and I got an eyeful of really Ugly Betty boob. I ran out of the bedroom in silent screams, wondering just what else this night would bring. When I got into the living room, GOAP was pouting in the corner somewhere and Jameson was already asleep on the couch. That night, B and I slept on the hard hotel floor, cold and pissed because we were the ones who had booked the hotel room to begin with. I swear I had nightmares where I was chased by flailing Latina body parts and hundred dollar bills.
Debacle #4: GOAP has no soul
The morning flashed a solemn sun across my face and my mind’s eye was still blinded by flashbacks of Ugly Betty Boob. GOAP was on the phone with Glitterati’s lawyer dad, trying to figure out how to free Jail Bait. Mr. and Mrs. Porno were still naked in bed and Jameson was groaning in pain in the living room. Apparently he and GOAP had downed quite a few bottles of champagne when they returned to the hotel room, and then–get this, they MADE OUT. Now, Jameson is my best friend. Kudos to him and whatever he does. But GOAP. What in the hell was she thinking? Oh wait, she wasn’t thinking, because SHE HAS NO SOUL. Who leads their boyfriend on for four years, makes him convert to the Church of Latter Day Saints (yep, that’s right), brings him all the way to Maryland, watches him as he is dragged to jail and then makes out with my best friend whom she’s known for less than a day? Elaborate planning, I’d say.
New Year’s Day breakfast was spent in a booth at Denny’s, a great place to forget your troubles while nurturing hangovers with a Lumberjack Slam: two buttermilk pancakes, a slice of grilled honey ham, two bacon strips, two sausage links and two eggs, plus hash browns or grits and choice of bread. Gotta love America.
In order to completely evade any memory of the previous night, we dropped GOAP off at the 65th street police station so she could deal with the remains of Jail Bait. We weren’t touching that shit with an eight-foot pole. Unfortunately, Jameson had had a little too much champagne and spent his morning in the restaurant bathroom being punished by his liver.
With the exception of my flaring nostrils, the 30-minute drive home was silent. When Jail Bait limped into the back of my Ford Escape, he said absolutely nothing, and GOAP sat there like a wet flower. When we reached my place, Thing 1 and Thing 2 went straight up to the guest room and stayed there for three hours. When they finally came downstairs, they graced us with a barely audible thanks, lugged their bags out the door and left, tails between legs and all.
Story motto #1: play Cranium sober.
Story motto #2: do a background check on your friends before inviting them to play.
Congratulate yourself for getting to the end of that story.
Two New Year’s Eves ago, I somehow managed to lock myself in a VIP room at Coco’s techno club in Tianjin, playing naughty with a bouncer, who was later shipped to another province and called me at weird hours to ask me why we were talking on the phone.
Last year, I spent Christmas Eve baking the shit out of my toaster oven, while Jameson ate his worth in pink, white and blue sugar snowflakes, Santas and snowmen (am I alone in being tickled by the previous alliteration?) that filled my living room. Christmas was a regular Tianjin banquet of cold dirty weather, dusty floors, Monkey in a bee suit, and my assistant stuffing marshmallows in her mouth in attempt to win our first annual Chubby Bunny contest. For the record, I can fit four large marshmallows in my mouth. It may seem like an easy task, but you try and breathe while puffy sugar is slowly expanding in the concaves of your throat.
Hmm. Jameson seems to have witnessed a lot of my holidays. Maybe Holidays = Jameson.
Speaking of Jameson, I was about to write: “if he doesn’t up and leave for Nmibia without telling me, hopefully he will be in Beijing for Christmas this year, along with B (flying in from Brooklyn on Xmas Eve!), Monkey (sans bee suit) and the city.” However, this sentence has just very recently changed to “this Christmas, Jameson will be at home in the States, skiing and kissing the American snow he’ll be gliding on.” I’m happy for him, but in less than a week, my best friend will be leaving China, after a year and a half of both loving and hating the country. It’s been a long journey since we graduated from Vandy, and even though we are already designing our future, billion-dollar joint-penthouse in Manhattan, a new era is beginning–for both of us. Time for him to find his true calling. Time for me to skyrocket this magazine opportunity so I can get the hell out of here.
In line with this whole holidays being inconsistent thing, Jameson’s departure is reminder of how lonely China, and the current life I have chosen, can sometimes be. I am content because I am walking the path I want, but getting what you want never seems to be free. My sacrifice is that I’m constantly away from loved ones, which I’ve already mentioned. I am happy, but reality kicks in every once in a while–best friends leave, boyfriends come for Christmas and then will inevitably leave, parents will visit in the spring and then leave–and it wrings my heart out like a used, wet face towel. The pain can be stifling; sometimes I actually cannot breathe. I start to feel sorry for myself and compensate by holding lone movie marathons, drowning in sleep, or ordering burgers at midnight. And the worst thing is, I can’t even let myself wallow in the misery.
Every time the tears well up in pools, or I’m up to my ears in midnight snacks, a spark of energy snaps into place, and I am jerked into a weird state of okay-ness. The one thing that keeps me chugging along is this inevitable, innate resilience that makes me throw away those damned French fries and used Kleenex, shut off the pirated movies and turn on the lights. That voice in my head pokes my brain and tells me to wake up and stop wasting time. There is too much to do for my future. The loneliness becomes a strange but effective catalyst for action. The pain motivates me to continue working, until I can make my way back to the States. And I listen and it works. I’m not sure if it is a physical survival tool, or a really insightful little person running around in my sub-conscience, but the pain dulls and the wheels start turning. I find myself deep into life again, pushing for that next step, when I get to go home. Home is where I don’t have to take a 13-hour plane ride to be with the people I love. Home is relationships that don’t involve Skype. Home is where I want to spend my holidays.
But for now, Holidays=finding different ways to celebrate, still missing loved ones, and knowing that growing up and living my life takes a backbone, a lot of ingenuity and buckets full of self-inflicted cheer.
What's on the right side of your equation?
I've been a poo blogger because I had house guests for the week, am building a magazine brand from the ground up (re last post, I am taking my own advice seriously), buying potted Christmas trees and coercing my assistant to decorate them, instigating balloons fests at work for a colleague's birthday, getting my ass kicked to Russia by my personal trainer, unpacking Tianjin boxes, chasing Monkey around, fighting faulty Chinese Christmas lights that blink me into seizure and writing entries that never actually get posted due to aforementioned activities.
I need to start taking my new job a little more seriously.