I was flying from Dallas to NYC a few months ago, and in attempt to travel lightly (a concept entirely alien to me), all I had were my laptop and coat, both stored in the above compartment. Little did I know this would be the first time I would want to be entertained instead of conking out before take-off, like I usually do.

As the flight attendant started motioning her diligent fingers down and across the aisle, movements both polite and life saving, my eyes started roaming towards the pocket in front of me. In attempt to be a good passenger, I feigned interest in the Safety Manual. But I just couldn’t get past the part where they tell you to put the oxygen mask on before helping others.


The only other thing in the pocket was the Skymall Catalog. Lesser of two evils, I thought, as I sighed and lazily pulled the magazine out. Who knew, that just 30 minutes later, I would find 12 products that would alter my life forever. 

1) The Telekinetic Obstacle Course $99.95

Feel like testing the strength of your brain waves? The Telekinetic Obstacle Course makes your scientific wet dreams come true, with its eight obstacles of hoops, teeter-totters, baskets and chutes. Perfect gadget to get if you happen to run out of things to do. Or say. Or make fun of. 

2) The Marshmallow Shooter $24.95

Built with its own LED that projects a safe beam of red light to help locate a target for accuracy – because when you’re trying to take down your neighbor’s pesky poodle, by mercilessly pelting it with marshmallows, accuracy is crucial. And if you really like this product, don’t forget to get the Bow and Mallow or the Marshmallow Bazooka (for an additional $20).

3) Front Pocket Wallet $49.95

“Cut exactly like the shape of a front pocket, the wallet is curved on one side so that it stores snugly in the contours of the pocket, where it won’t create unsightly bulges or wrinkles. Made from a soft satin leather that forms gently to the shape of your thigh.” That’s funny. My boyfriend was just saying to me the other day: “Man, if I could just find a soft satin wallet that gently fits the contour of my thigh, I would feel so much more comfortable with myself.”

4) Solafeet Foot Tanner $299.99

Sock tan lines can be gone in five to 10 days with just 15 minutes a day. I get tingly just thinking about all the socks I'll be able to pair with my sandals now.

5) Helmutt House $399.99 (Standard Size) $479.99 (X-Large Size)

It’s one thing to make your dog live in a giant, bulbous hat. But it’s another to force them to root for your favorite football team. Dogs have feelings too, you know.

On second thought, I'm definitely getting this for Monkey (my 2-year old Paperanian) Look how well it's going to match the living room! 

6) Head Spa Massager $49.95

Look like the Tron Guy while alleviating stress, tension, and relaxing away migranes. Comfort and beauty. Doesn't get much better than that.

7) Taser C2 $349.99

Ladies: in case you feel the need to carry a taser in your purse, you can do it in style! This baby is available in Titan Silver, Black Pearl, Electic Blue, Red Hot Red, and Metallic Pink. 

8) “The Spirit of Nottingham Woods” Tree Statue $19.95

If this thing doesn’t scare the shit out of you, might I suggest you also implant a Yeti in your garden. For just under 100 dollars! But know that I will be judging you from afar.

9) Relax ‘N Nap Pillow $89.95

I can't decide what's better about this product. The fact that it's only $90. Or the way it makes your arms look elegant and skinny.

10) DayClock $39.98

“Do all of your days seem the same? Do you have little trouble keeping track of the hour and even the date but the day always eludes you? Then you need a DayClock.” This is great. Now I can sniff glue AND tell time!

11) Your Passenger Seat Office $179.95-$349.95

“Hey Honey! I’m going to get some work done in my office today.”

“All right, dear. Would you mind picking Sam up from school while you’re at it?”

Genius.

And drum roll, for the last product.




 










A Skymall special.
















 

Must Have.













 









Bring-with-you-everywhere-you-go.

 

























Featured by USA Today and the Early Show.































 

Dun-dah-DUN!

12) SkyRest Travel Pillow $29.95

“Simply lean forward and snooze.”