I remember when Facebook just started out. It was called The Facebook and only circulated among a few universities, Vandy being one of them. I didn’t want to join at first, because I thought it was an egotistical way to plaster pictures of yourself online; eventually, I was too curious not to. And then it was love at first sight. Since I moved around a lot during my childhood, Facebook found my kindergarten playmates 15 years older, helped me keep in touch with high school friends and stalk ex-lovers. And even though I have an account, I was never a MySpace gal. Facebook, with its simple design, straightforward info boxes and easy search system held my loyalty. It was just that good.

But as all passionate relationships that happen too fast go, things spun out of control. My world of simple profile templates started receiving heroes ability and be a billionaire! requests, friends for sale and emo bands invitations, and 125 other extraneous piles of poo that I am still scooping and tossing.  And then the tracker started, recording our every move: relationship to single, updated photos, Jenny is-es. It was almost too much to handle. But I held strong; I staunchly defended my Facebook against My Spacers, and faithfully checked in every day.

Today, my Facebook crossed into adulthood. Her (Facebook is a She) beautiful, untainted innocence was shattered into a trillion tiny shards that pierced my heart in places I didn't know could be pierced.

I was puttering around my apartment when I heard Her Chat make its friendly popping sound, letting me know someone had sent me a message. I ran to the computer and saw that one of my best friends from high school, Courtney F, had messaged me. That's when the ball dropped, the goose was cooked, the cat skinned, the candy stolen, the rug pulled, the last straw plucked, the pie burnt and the fat lady sung. Facebook as I knew it, had changed forever.

I pasted our conversation below (with director’s notes in italics):

Couldn't retrieve chat his8:45pmCourtney
Hey

8:46pmCourtney
Jenny???

9:01pmJenny (Hooray! I haven’t talked to Courts in ages)
HI
muah muah muah

9:01pmCourtney
How are you?

9:01pmJenny
i'm good - YOU?
you're back in MA?

9:03pmCourtney
nope

I am stranded in London
i got mugged at a gun point, it was a brutal experience, all cash i had on me were stolen and my credit card was collected too now i'm left with no money here

9:08pmJenny (Wait, WHAT? Poor Courts!)
oh NO
have you gotten hold of your parents?

9:09pmJenny (Hmm, I should to be more supportive. But I’m in China! How am I supposed to help?)
is there anything I can do? (Wait, I know!)
I have a credit card

9:11pmJenny
hello?

9:12pmJenny
COURTNEY

9:13pmCourtney
yea i have but the $$ they wired isn't enough

9:13pmJenny
how much do you need

9:13pmCourtney
I need you to loan me $800 to add up with the $$ my parent's wired to me

9:13pmJenny
Sure (That’s weird; Courts would never say anything like “I need you to loan me . . .” She must really be frantic.)

are you at the airport? (Little red flag going up. Maybe I should double check, just to be safe.)

tell me something only you would know so that I know this is you

9:14pmCourtney
nope i am still in the hotel.. The Hotel Manager is letting me stay here until i can get help
I am also using his PC to talk to you right now

9:16pmJenny (She’s not answering my question . Come on, Jenny – put your thinking cap on. How can I check to see if she is really stranded at the Hotel? And why couldn’t her parents just wire her more money? Wait! I can call her mom. But I don’t have her phone number. Hmm. Who would have that number? )

are you going to tell me something only we know together? (Yes! I know! Haley just moved back to MA – she would know. I check Haley’s profile, which says:  Haley is laughing about CF’s hacked facebook page – she was not mugged and is not in London.)

9:22pmCourtney
jenny???

9:22pmJenny
sorry
i can't help you

(My god – I almost just gave her my credit card number.  A rush of anxiety fills my fingertips, like I almost got hit by a bus but didn’t, but then thought what if I had. Shudder.)

9:22pmCourtney
the server is kinda slow
why not?

9:23pmJenny (Getting angry)
because the Courtney I know isn't in London

9:23pmCourtney
we went to the same high school
Jenny

9:23pmJenny
what was your roommate's name, sophomore year?

9:25pmCourtney
Its you Jenny

9:25pmJenny (Mother-fucking weirdo who can’t even speak English. Who the fuck is this person?)
sorry, wrong answer (you fuckwad)
you should do more research before you pretend to be someone else

(Temporary panic; what if this person has kept me on chat long enough to figure out my Facebook password? Can that happen? Maybe I shouldn’t be such a smart ass to him)

who are you anyway?
bastard.

(Oh god. He’s going to send me a virus. Oh shit. He probably already checked out my blog and looked me up in the Vanderbilt alumni section, or called my office. Damn it. Stupid hackers.)

9:30pmCourtney is offline.

*

Oh the horror. I will never be able to look in Facebook’s eyes again. The damage cannot be undone. The cherry has been popped, chopped, dyed and fried. (Cue sobbing).

Leave a Reply